I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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