I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
