if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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