I heard we made out
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
