I faked an abortion last night.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
