Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
