wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
