He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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