UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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