if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
