Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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