I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
