My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.