"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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