You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We're using joints as your birthday candles
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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