I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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