last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she told me i tasted like america
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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