Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
