I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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