Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
