bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
