I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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