it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
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