Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
