she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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