he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
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I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
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Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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