I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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