He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
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Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
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The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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