He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
