I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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