My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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