I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
