we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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