Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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