Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
