Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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