My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
