I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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