my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
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