Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
where are you?
Hypothermia
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
