the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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