do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I intend to get homeless drunk
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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