I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
