Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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