You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
What drink are we having for lunch?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
