i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
