I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
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I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
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I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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