Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Your tits are I can't wait for
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
