I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
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You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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