i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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