3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
