im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
