U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
