sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
