Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
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So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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