if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
