remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
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We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
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I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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