even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
