I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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